South American, meat-filled pastries

I spoke with someone who seemed very calm. A balanced character, one might say.

He would probably have described himself as self-contained. (If one had asked him. I had not asked.)

I too was calm. As calm as he was, or so it seemed.

But the longer we spoke, with each sentence and paragraph, with each passing minute, it became clearer to me: His calmness and mine were of very different natures.

His calmness was more a satisfaction with himself and his little successes. A satisfaction in having “shown” this or that fellow human being—sometimes even the system! The satisfaction of a trickster.

Beneath the surface of his satisfaction, however, there was: nothing. A swamp of meaninglessness. Empty phrases. YouTube videos. Life lessons long past their expiration date. Lies upon lies. And between them: nothing.

Yet on the visible surface, above the swamp, there really did lie something like calmness and satisfaction.

My calmness was very different.

I admit it: I am angry. I am torn. At every given moment, there is a crashing and roaring inside me.

Not fully honest with you

When my surface is calm, it is only because I force it to be. Because I call upon higher powers for help. Because that’s what allows me to continue participating in so-called society.

If you ask me how I am, and I don’t answer you with a spark-spraying torrent of rage, then I am not being fully honest with you.

In our city, a mad homeless man wanders the streets, letting out piercing, loud screams. I understand him well, on an emotional level—I just have better self-control. (Remarkably, he walks through the busy shopping streets. He notices the people’s displeased reactions to his screams. Yet he does not want to be entirely alone. He probably thinks: “You’ll just have to endure this. Imagine if you were inside my head. That is far worse.”)

But the conversation with that calm one (which I don’t particularly wish to repeat), it took a very revealing turn.

It became clear that we had different views on the topics at hand. And his views and actions were, as I saw it: contradictory. He claimed to want one thing, yet I noticed that his actions produced another—the opposite. He called himself a benefactor, even moral. I pointed out to him the harm he was causing.

Not 15 centimeters from the mirror myself

And then, suddenly, all at once, his calmness was gone! He shouted at me, insulted me, cursed me. The swamp can indeed boil and explode when a few gases mix that should never have been mixed.

I, however, felt something like order in the midst of all my controlled anger. Whoever is already angry at the stupidity and contradictions of the world will not erupt in anger when confronted with their own stupidity.

To quote comedian Troy Bond, who politely told a woman heckling him from the audience: “There’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t said six inches from the mirror.” (see YouTube)

Yes, it’s true that I am angry, that I am dissatisfied and helpless, that it eats me up to see how the self-inflicted stupidity of some and the selfish cynicism of others destroy what could have been beautiful, grand, and human. Just look around, and be really honest today! What else could one feel but boiling rage—if one feels anything at all?

As painful as the unmasking

What distinguishes me (and hopefully you) from him and them: I want to be made aware of my contradictions. Anger is good, as long as we direct it against evil—first against our own lies. Our anger becomes suicidal when it breaks out to defend our lies.

For immediately after I share this text with you, a friend has invited me to empanadas. These are South American, meat-filled pastries. Afterwards, we’ll talk about life. I will present him with some ideas and evaluations, explicitly asking him to point out where I am wrong—where I might be lying to myself.

I say: Do not fear when people expose your lies, mistakes, and contradictions. Fear when they don’t!

With every lie unmasked, as painful as the unmasking may be, the share of thoughts and assumptions that are potentially true increases.